Navigating Gender Dysphoria Talk in the Bedroom

Dear How to Do It,

Sometimes my boyfriend will ask me if I wish he had a penis. I always vehemently disagree. I deeply love his body as it is. He doesn’t want to pursue bottom surgery. I never want him to feel bad about that.

He will sometimes tell me he wishes I had a penis during sex, and he misses having sex with men. I am a cis woman, so maybe he thinks this doesn’t bother me since I don’t have gender dysphoria. However, it still bothers me, even if I don’t have a good reason like that. How can I communicate this to him?

—Dickless and Stressed

Dear Dickless and Stressed,

First off, you’re absolutely allowed to feel uneasy. Your boyfriend is sharing a personal fantasy that’s rooted in his own dysphoria, but that doesn’t obligate you to play along. Start the conversation when you’re both relaxed—not in the heat of the moment. A simple, “I love your body exactly as it is, and I want our sex to stay fun for both of us,” can set a loving tone.

Ask him how often those thoughts surface. Is it a fleeting fantasy that pops up once in a while, or does it linger longer? Knowing the frequency helps you decide whether a quick check‑in each time is enough, or whether you need a deeper discussion about his feelings about gender and desire.

If he’s using the comment as dirty talk, you might treat it as low‑stakes role‑play—provided you feel comfortable. You could say, “I’m okay with exploring a fantasy, but I’m not comfortable actually using a strap‑on.” This lets you stay in the moment without compromising your boundaries.

On the other hand, if the remark feels more like an imposition of his dysphoria, it’s okay to draw a firmer line. Explain that you don’t share his gender dysphoria, so you need clear, practical ways to navigate his feelings that don’t make you uncomfortable. Suggest alternatives: maybe he can journal or talk with a therapist about his wishes, while you keep the bedroom space a safe, affirming zone for both of you.

Bottom line: honesty, curiosity, and a sprinkle of compassion go a long way. Let him know you hear him, but also let him hear you. That balance can keep intimacy hot without stepping on either partner’s emotional ground.