Former FBI Director James Comey Indicted: The Charges Will Shock... Your Funny Bone!

In a bombshell development that has left legal experts baffled and late-night comedians scrambling for new material, former FBI Director James Comey has been "indicted" on two counts so preposterous, they could only have originated from the fertile minds of a certain iconic sketch comedy show's news desk.

While details are still emerging from this entirely fictional yet deeply resonant legal saga, sources close to the satire industry confirm that the charges against Comey are unprecedented in their absurdity.

The first count, which has particularly captivated the public's imagination, is "Excessive Seriousness in a Post-Truth Era." Prosecutors, reportedly a team of highly caffeinated writers, allege that Mr.

Comey consistently maintained an air of profound gravitas and earnestness, even when discussing matters that, frankly, deserved a healthy dose of cynicism. This, they argue, contributed to a nationwide shortage of irony and an alarming rise in people taking things at face value. Exhibit A, sources say, includes multiple instances of Comey's stoic demeanor during public addresses, particularly when describing his internal moral struggles in excruciating detail.

The second count is equally, if not more, groundbreaking: "Dramatic Pausing for Theatrical Effect." The indictment claims that Mr.

Comey frequently employed elongated silences before delivering key statements, creating unnecessary suspense and forcing an entire nation to hold its collective breath, often for no particularly significant reveal. This charge stems from numerous public appearances where Comey's theatrical delivery was more akin to a Shakespearean soliloquy than a straightforward briefing.

"The emotional whiplash caused by these pauses is immeasurable," stated a fictional spokesperson for the prosecution, "and we believe the American public deserves compensation in the form of immediate punchlines."

The "trial," which is expected to unfold exclusively on late-night television, promises to feature an array of colorful "witnesses." Insiders suggest appearances by a perpetually confused pundit, a perpetually outraged cable news host, and possibly even a dramatic reenactment of Comey typing out a memo on his personal laptop, each keystroke amplified for comedic effect.

Legal analysts (who are actually just comedians in ill-fitting wigs) are already predicting a contentious battle, with Comey's "defense team" likely arguing that his actions were merely the result of being a very earnest man in a very absurd job.

This "indictment" comes at a time when the line between reality and satire is increasingly blurred, making this particular "news story" feel strangely, unsettlingly plausible.

Whether Comey will be "convicted" of making us all think too much about his inner turmoil and his dramatic timing remains to be seen. But one thing is for sure: the laughs, at least, are very, very real.