Chick Fil A Announces They Will Only Serve Chickens Conceived In Wedlock

ATLANTA—In an effort to align the brand’s supply chain with its Christian values, the fast food restaurant Chick fil A announced Monday that it would only serve chickens conceived in wedlock. “Starting today, our more than 3,000 Chick fil A locations will no longer ask customers to eat bastard chicks born to unwed birds,” said CEO Andrew Cathy, observing that to continue serving the illegitimate offspring of philandering roosters and debauched hens would be an affront to God.

“As a matter of principle, it’s essential that the food we prepare had both a mother and a father who were bound together in sacred matrimony. Chick fil A is not the Sodom and Gomorrah of KFC and Popeyes, where misbegotten poultry is seasoned in sin and served to unsuspecting diners.” Cathy added that franchises would also begin baptizing their chicken pieces in holy pickle brine..