When Laughter Turns to Tears: Navigating Disrespect in Your Marriage

Dear Abby, I'm writing to you with a heavy heart, feeling utterly humiliated and confused about my marriage. My husband, whom I deeply love, has developed a habit of making fun of me. It's not just playful teasing; it’s cutting, often public, and it leaves me feeling small, foolish, and deeply disrespected.

Recently, we were at a dinner party with friends, and he recounted a story, exaggerating my supposed clumsiness and making me the butt of every joke.

The laughter from our friends felt like daggers, and I could feel my face burning with embarrassment. When I tried to bring it up later, he simply shrugged it off, saying, "Oh, come on, lighten up! It was just a joke. You're too sensitive."

But it's not just "a joke" to me. It's a pattern. He mimics my accent sometimes, or exaggerates my reactions to things, always with that dismissive chuckle.

Each instance chips away at my self-esteem, making me question if he truly respects or even loves me. I've tried to explain how much it hurts, how it makes me dread social gatherings, and how it erodes my trust, but my words seem to fall on deaf ears. He just doesn't seem to understand the impact of his words, or perhaps he chooses not to.

Abby, is this normal? Are wives supposed to just grin and bear it when their husbands publicly ridicule them? I feel so alone and hurt.

How do I make him see that his "jokes" are truly damaging our relationship? I'm at a loss for what to do next. – Humiliated in Houston

Dear Humiliated,

Please understand this unequivocally: no, it is absolutely not normal or acceptable for a spouse to consistently mock or belittle their partner, especially in front of others.

Your feelings of humiliation, hurt, and disrespect are entirely valid. What your husband perceives as "just a joke" is, in reality, a deeply damaging form of emotional disrespect that can erode the very foundation of your marriage.

The fact that you've tried to communicate your pain and he dismisses it as you being "too sensitive" is a significant red flag.

This indicates a lack of empathy and an unwillingness to acknowledge the impact of his behavior on you. A loving and respectful partner would listen to your concerns and strive to change behavior that causes you distress, not invalidate your feelings.

It's crucial that you address this firmly and directly, perhaps in a calm moment when you are both relaxed.

Explain, once again, the specific behaviors that are unacceptable and how they make you feel. Use "I" statements, such as "I feel humiliated when you make fun of me in front of our friends" rather than "You always make fun of me." Be clear that this behavior is non-negotiable for the health and respect of your relationship.

If he continues to dismiss your feelings, you may need to consider more serious steps.

Setting boundaries is essential. This might involve excusing yourself from a situation if he starts to mock you, or stating clearly, "I am not okay with this, and I expect you to stop."

Ultimately, if he remains unwilling to acknowledge your pain or change his behavior after repeated attempts at communication, seeking professional marriage counseling is highly recommended.

A neutral third party can help facilitate communication, help your husband understand the gravity of his actions, and provide tools for both of you to foster a more respectful and loving environment. You deserve to be treated with kindness, dignity, and respect in your own marriage. Do not settle for less.