The Unsettling Truth: When Politeness Fails Against 'Creepy' Over-Enthusiasm

Dear Miss Manners, I find myself in a rather uncomfortable predicament and am hoping for your seasoned wisdom. I have an acquaintance, 'Mr. Overly-Friendly,' who consistently crosses social boundaries in a way that leaves me, and others, feeling uneasy. He isn't overtly malicious, but his persistent attempts to insert himself into our private gatherings, showing up uninvited, or lingering far past a polite departure time, have become truly unsettling.

We've tried subtle hints, polite excuses, and even vague unavailability, but nothing seems to deter him. The 'creepy' part is how oblivious he seems to the discomfort he causes, yet his actions feel invasive. How does one, without resorting to outright rudeness, address behavior that feels less like a faux pas and more like a gentle but persistent invasion of personal space and peace?

Miss Manners understands that navigating social interactions with individuals who lack a nuanced understanding of boundaries can be a particularly vexing challenge.

Your description of 'Mr. Overly-Friendly' perfectly encapsulates the quandary: his intentions may not be malevolent, but their impact is undeniably unsettling. The 'creepy truth' you allude to is precisely this – that some individuals, whether through genuine ignorance, a profound lack of self-awareness, or even a deep-seated need for inclusion, simply do not pick up on the subtle social cues that most of us learn by adolescence.

When hints, evasions, and gentle deflections fail, the burden unfortunately falls upon those being made uncomfortable to escalate their communication.

While it is always Miss Manners' preference to maintain decorum, there comes a point where politeness, if it means enduring discomfort, becomes a disservice to oneself. The first step is to recognize that your feelings of unease are valid. You are not obligated to sacrifice your comfort for the sake of another's social deficiency.

Therefore, a more direct, yet still polite, approach is warranted.

When Mr. Overly-Friendly appears uninvited, you might say, 'Oh, Mr. Overly-Friendly, what a surprise! We're just having a small, private gathering tonight.' This implies he is not part of the intended group. If he attempts to stay, 'We must insist you not linger, as we have private matters to discuss/are having an intimate family dinner.' For lingering, a firm 'It's been delightful, but we really must see you to the door now, as we have an early start tomorrow,' accompanied by a physical escort, can be effective.

The key is clarity and consistency, delivered with a calm, unwavering tone.

The 'creepy truth' ultimately is that some people will only understand a boundary when it is explicitly drawn for them, often repeatedly. While it may feel uncomfortable for you to be so direct, remember that you are not being rude; you are simply asserting your right to personal space and privacy.

True politeness extends to respecting others' boundaries, and if that respect is not offered freely, it must, at times, be firmly requested.