Should we normalize sleeping in separate bedrooms? Experts — and frustrated couples — on the booming 'sleep divorce' trend

If you and your partner are in separate bedrooms, you're not alone. Experts estimate that somewhere between 25 to 40 per cent of couples have separate sleeping arrangements but, since there’s still stigma attached to what some call we may never know the true figure. Most of the people I interviewed for this story, for example, spoke only on the condition of anonymity: one woman said her husband would be “mortified” if their sleep habits made the paper.

But the reasons people gave for don’t sound like anything to be ashamed of. Amy, a card carrying morning person, said she and her husband parted sleeping ways because he’s a confirmed night owl. “I’m also a real thrasher and a cover hog and I get leg cramps and I’m always spinning and spinning around,” she said, with a laugh, noting that she and her husband have been sleeping apart for most of their 20 plus year marriage.

“The thrashing has only gotten worse over the years and I know he would not be able to handle that.” The couple spends a lot of time working together during the day, though, and in the evening, if they watch together, they cuddle on the couch. “Sleeping in the same bed or not isn’t what determines the strength of our marriage,” said Amy.

“In fact, sleeping in separate beds may be one of the things that keeps us together.” As counterintuitive as that may sound, Laura Devlin, a registered clinical psychologist who works at , says that, for some couples, separate bedrooms may benefit their relationship. “Some research suggests that quality of sleep can affect conflict cycles with couples,” said Devlin.

“That makes sense: if you’re and cranky, you’re more likely to snap at each other.” She added that the tricky part is making sure any decision to sleep apart is one that is taken together. “For some partners, it may bring up feelings of abandonment or rejection," said Devlin. "It’s important to make sure that it’s addressed so it doesn’t leave any sort of wound in the relationship." Coming to a consensus about sleeping apart doesn’t necessarily happen overnight.

“After years of me getting up and moving to the spare room the third or fourth time my insomniac, sleep thrashing, sleep talking husband woke me up, he graciously decided to move there himself at bedtime,” said Toni, a Toronto resident. “Now I can sleep through the night. And it is .” Although there’s been a lot of buzz around sleeping separately of late — partly because of celebrities, such as Cameron Diaz, who to “normalize” this setup — it’s hard to say if it’s really becoming more common.

Diana Melnick, a registered psychotherapist and certified sex therapist in Toronto, said that it’s likely this been on the rise for some time. “There's definitely been a shift since the 1950s when mom and dad generally slept in the same room,” said Melnick, clinical director at . “I think people have more autonomy in relationships and are much more into doing the self care piece where we take care of ourselves first, then the relationship after.” This is particularly true in cases where one partner has to quarantine because they have a virus, accessibility issues or health problems that interfere with sleep.

“My husband and I don’t have sleep issues, historically,” said Joan, who has lived with her husband for more than 20 years and was recently diagnosed with . “Some nights, I don’t really sleep at all, so we’re trying to figure that out. It's an evolving process and discussion.” Between the stress of the diagnosis and the steroids that accompany chemotherapy, Joan's restlessness sometimes wakes her partner, who needs to be well rested for work in the morning.

“Our tendency is to want to be together when we can because we’ve always been together,” said Joan, “but I see my parents in their retirement community where they sleep separately and they’re very happy.” The other issue Joan’s family is facing is the physical space. With a school aged child, they have no spare guest room for one or the other to move into.

Separate bedrooms may be trending, but that's likely more for people who can afford the space. When Fiona broke her arm, she had to sleep alone in the guest room because she was worried that her partner would roll over on her. She was grateful that her family had chosen to move out of Toronto to a more spacious home a few years earlier.

“I slept so well it was amazing,” she said, noting that she has trouble sleeping with her partner even when she’s not injured. “Ninety per cent of the problem is his snoring,” said Fiona. “The other 10 per cent is general movement and bed hogging." Fiona and her husband got a king sized bed and she said that's helped a lot.

"If we hadn’t, I can almost guarantee we would be in separate rooms.” Although intimacy counsellor Melnick said that even though some couples benefit from sleeping apart, it can be a hard habit to break — and that can cause new long term issues. “From my experience, at least one of the partners usually misses that physical closeness at night, so we try to come up with solutions,” said Melnick.

“Maybe if you don’t have to get up as early for work the next day and your brain doesn’t have to be as ‘on’, a couple could try sleeping together on nights like that.” Or, if there’s enough space, try a king sized bed. Or twin beds. Or mattresses with minimal motion transfer. Or twin duvets on top of a queen sized bed, which is sometimes referred to as the “Emotional connection is at the foundation of your relationship, including your sex life,” said Melnick.

“As long as you're attuned to each other and you're able to share your frustrations, longings and needs, you can make almost any type of situation work well.”.