Nation Settles For Jimmy John’s

WASHINGTON—Faced with a growing appetite and a dwindling amount of time, the nation settled for sandwiches from Jimmy John’s on Tuesday, according to sources. “Look, they’re cheap and they’re open, so let’s just order, okay?” Will Rhinehart of Terre Haute, IN said to his family, who were among the 335 million Americans who let out a long sigh as they began to pore over the submarine sandwich shop’s online menu in begrudging silence.

“I know it’s not perfect, but we’re never going to agree on anything otherwise. If you want four bags of chips or eight pickles or whatever, I don’t care. Let’s just get our order in, or we’re going to get even hungrier and grumpier.” At press time, the nation was reportedly back to the drawing board after Maryland and Oregon complained about the lack of vegetarian options..