Keeping your debt woes a secret can harm your health. How reaching out to loved ones can help

Inspired by the fresh start a new year offers, Canadians are waking up this morning thinking about ways to improve their lives. This year, a recent Ipsos poll shows that 39 per cent are resolving to pay off debt. It can be tough to achieve your goals without support, though, and a survey from gambling review website Time2Play shows 68.6 per cent of Canadians won't stick with their New Year's resolutions.

Failing to achieve your goals can lead to shame and guilt, and it’s worse when you add the emotional burden of carrying debt alone. Recent including debt with family and friends. shows three in four Canadians think about their financial situation more than they speak about it, and 56 per cent say financial shame affects their relationships with friends and peers.

“When you look at debt historically, there have been debtor prisons and people have even sold their children because of it,” says Vancouver based financial therapist Brenda St. Louis. “Our identity is so connected to our net worth. We use it to measure people's value. So, when we have debt, we keep it hidden.” Keeping debt a secret can “take a real toll on our bandwidth,” St.

Louis says. “You're always trying to figure out how to make it work, which takes a lot of capacity away from being happy and present.” Turning to someone in your life who you trust, such as a partner, friend or family member, can provide some relief. Steph, a 39 year old account executive from Toronto, found herself panicking after being faced with an overwhelming amount of debt in 2019.

The Star agreed to withhold her last name to protect her and her parents’ privacy. After her accountant made several errors, she was notified that she owed $40,000 to the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA). “I was shocked,” she says. Carrying that amount of debt quickly took over Steph’s focus. She and her husband had an infant, and she immediately started to fear the consequences the family might face for not paying back the amount by a certain date.

Within a couple of days, she decided to share the news with her parents. “I didn’t know what to do,” she says. “I wanted to use them as a sounding board and I knew they would give me some honest advice. I also wanted to lean on them because I was really sad.” Before sharing your financial situation with a family member or friend, consider your history and what kind of reception you’ll likely get.

Speak to someone who loves and cares about you and won’t reprimand you, St. Louis says. It’s important to have a strategy in place before you start the conversation. Be very clear on what kind of support you need, St. Louis suggests. You might want some advice, some help staying accountable or just someone to listen.

Lay out the expectations so you can put yourself in a safe space and prepare the person. And then, “it's about sharing what makes you comfortable,” says Jessica Moorhouse, a Toronto based money expert and host of the More Money Podcast. Borrowing money is typically a last resort and not always the best idea, so make it clear that you’re not looking for financial help, which can ease the tension off the top.

You don't even necessarily have to share numbers — you can be as general as you want. “You can ask, ‘What would you do in this situation?’ or ‘do you know who I could talk to for help?’” If you’re looking for help staying accountable, you might want to consider asking your loved one to check in with you once a month or once a week for a few months to see how you’re doing.

Moorhouse recommends establishing a timeline up front so that the situation doesn’t start to become burdensome for your friend. Don’t forget to celebrate your wins together, too, says St. Louis. Celebrating your progress as your debt goes down “sets off a cascade of hormones of oxytocin and serotonin in your body,” says St.

Louis, which can motivate you to keep going. If you have a friend who’s struggling with debt, you can help by doing some research for them. If they’re not in a mental space where they can take action, you can approach the situation more logically and rationally, says Moorhouse. Let them know they can speak to a credit counsellor and call their bank to see if they can lessen interest rates.

“See what organizations can help or what kind of free forums or resources exist that they can take advantage of,” Moorhouse suggests, then take it a step further by printing out or writing down the information and presenting them with three options. Moorhouse says you can even offer to send an email introduction, copying them on it, just to get the ball rolling.

If there isn't someone you feel comfortable talking to about your debt, says Moorhouse, you can take a different route and consult a professional like a credit counsellor. “They can be a good listener and give some guidance without judgment because that’s their job," Moorhouse says. "This isn't anything they haven't seen.” Sometimes, turning to family or close friends can be met with finger wagging, “which is exactly what you don't need,” says Kelley Keehn, Toronto based founder of financial platform Money Wise Workplaces.

But that doesn’t mean you need to formulate a plan on your own. “Take all the free advice from professionals that you can get,” Keehn says. You can call insolvency trustees and non profit credit counsellors anonymously and they can give you a free, 15 to 30 minute consultation. Moorhouse points out that there are also many online groups and forums where people struggling with debt can connect with others who are going through the same thing.

You can be anonymous in this situation too, while still being part of the community and getting information to help you out. Steph feels grateful that she was able to turn to her parents to share the emotional burden of her debt. To her surprise, they approached her a week later and said they would loan her the money (which they took from their own line of credit), and she could pay them back over time with interest.

“I didn't go there expecting they would give me the money,” Steph says. She burst into relieved tears after they told her. “I felt like a weight had been lifted.” Steph is still working on paying her parents back, hoping to have the loan repaid by the end of next year, but the pressure of having the CRA looming has made a huge difference to her mental health.

“I'm so grateful and I know how lucky I am,” she says. Whether you’re struggling with debt or have a loved one who is, it’s key to remember that there are ways to get help. “You're not alone and keeping it a secret does you no good,” says St. Louis. “There are so many people out there who can support you.”.