Etiquette & Expectations: When Basic Manners Get Lost in Translation

Oh, dear Miss Manners, I'm practically at my wits' end, pulling my hair out, if I’m being honest! It’s all because of a friend I'll call 'Brenda,' who simply, absolutely cannot, for the life of her, grasp the concept of being on time. Seriously, it's a constant source of frustration for me and our entire friend group.

We plan so many wonderful things together, you know? Concerts, cozy dinner reservations, even just a simple meetup for coffee. But Brenda? She is always late. And I'm not talking about a charming five minutes here or there; oh no, we’re talking half an hour, sometimes even more! And here’s the kicker, the part that truly gets under my skin: she acts genuinely surprised, even a little miffed, if we, the patient souls that we are, decide to start without her. Or, heaven forbid, if a reservation we held onto for dear life is given away because she's nowhere in sight. It's beyond frustrating.

Just last week, for instance, we had this lovely day trip planned. Train tickets purchased, everyone ready to go, and guess what? Brenda sauntered in a full twenty minutes after our train had, quite literally, pulled away from the station. And what did she expect? For us to have somehow magically held the train? It honestly feels like she completely missed the memo on how group plans actually work, or, frankly, how basic respect for other people's precious time operates. We've tried talking to her, of course. Gentle hints, direct conversations, even a stern chat once, but nothing ever seems to stick. It’s infuriating! How, Miss Manners, how do we deal with someone who seems to have utterly and completely 'missed the bus' on basic consideration and common courtesy? I'm Tardy and Tired, and really, really need your wisdom.

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Dear Tardy and Tired,

Ah, the chronic latecomer. A dilemma as old as time itself, and a species of social disruptor as enduring as that stubborn wine stain on the good tablecloth. It’s a predicament many a polite, well-meaning soul has faced, and frankly, it’s one that truly tries the patience of saints, let alone mere mortals hoping to catch a train, or indeed, enjoy a hot meal. Your friend Brenda, bless her heart, does indeed seem to have taken a rather significant wrong turn on the well-paved road to basic social graces, having apparently missed not just a bus, but perhaps the entire transit system of consideration.

Let us be abundantly clear about this: punctuality is not merely a polite suggestion; it is, in fact, a fundamental pillar of respect in society. When one agrees to a plan, especially one that involves the valuable time, the hard-earned money, or the shared experiences of others, one makes an implicit, unspoken promise to be present, and indeed, to be prepared. To consistently disregard this fundamental understanding is, quite simply put, rude. It sends a rather stark message, suggesting that your time, and that of the rest of the group, is somehow less valuable than her own. Or, perhaps, it subtly implies that the world, in her estimation, revolves solely around her particular schedule, which, I assure you, it does not.

Now, you mentioned that you've tried talking to her. And I absolutely believe you. However, sometimes, words – no matter how delicately chosen, no matter how firmly delivered – simply do not penetrate the often-thick hide of habitual disregard. This situation, my dear Tardy and Tired, calls for a slightly different strategy, one that perhaps teaches through the gentle nudge of natural consequence rather than through a mere lecture, which, as you’ve observed, has proven rather ineffective.

When planning future events, be excruciatingly clear about the departure time, the reservation time, or the precise meeting time. State it once, state it firmly, and then – and here’s the truly crucial part, pay attention – stick to it. If the train is scheduled to leave at 9:00 AM, and Brenda, predictably, arrives at 9:20 AM, then the train has, quite literally and regrettably, left the station. If the dinner reservation is, say, for 7:00 PM, and she finally appears at 7:30 PM, then the group should already be comfortably seated, perhaps even having ordered, or even begun to enjoy, their appetizers. Do not, I repeat, do not delay for her. Do not fret over her absence. Simply, calmly, and without fanfare, proceed as planned.

This isn't about being punitive, mind you, or intentionally cruel; absolutely not. Rather, it’s about establishing a clear, firm boundary. It's about demonstrating, through action, that while you genuinely value her company and friendship, you collectively value your shared time even more. If she misses a meal, or a captivating performance, or an important departure because of her chronic tardiness, she will, one sincerely hopes, eventually connect the dots between her lateness and the uncomfortable experience of missing out.

Of course, she might be miffed. She might even be a little hurt, initially. But sometimes, a gentle, undeniable jolt of reality is, believe it or not, the kindest and most effective lesson of all. You can explain, calmly and just once, that the group simply cannot continue to wait indefinitely. You, and your friends, are not her personal waiting room, after all. The 'bus' of shared experience, you see, operates on a very definite schedule, and it’s truly high time Brenda learned to be at the stop when it's due. Otherwise, she'll just keep missing out on the good bits, and frankly, you'll all be able to enjoy your punctual outings a good deal more, perhaps even with a touch less stress.