Beyond the Surface: Miss Manners Unpacks the Etiquette of Encountering Distinctive Faces

Dear Miss Manners,

I find myself in an uncomfortable dilemma. A new colleague has joined our team, and while they are perfectly pleasant, they have a very distinctive facial feature – something I've never quite seen before. I find myself inadvertently glancing, and then immediately feeling mortified for doing so.

How does one maintain proper etiquette and show respect without making the other person feel self-conscious or singled out? I genuinely want to be polite and professional, but I'm afraid of staring or saying the wrong thing. Signed, Perplexed in Portland.

Dear Perplexed,

Miss Manners understands your apprehension, but let her assure you: the rules of proper social conduct remain refreshingly simple, regardless of anyone's physical appearance.

The core principle is, and always has been, respect for the individual as a human being, not as an object of scrutiny or curiosity.

Your colleague’s "distinctive facial feature" is precisely that: a feature. It is no more an invitation for comment or prolonged observation than the color of their hair, the shape of their nose, or the style of their spectacles.

To stare, even inadvertently, suggests that their appearance is somehow remarkable enough to warrant special attention – an assumption that is both rude and deeply ungracious.

The solution is not to ignore the person, which is equally insulting, but to focus on the person themselves. Engage with them as you would any other new colleague.

Discuss work, inquire about their interests, listen attentively when they speak. Their face is merely the vessel for their intellect, their personality, and their professional contributions. To fixate on one aspect of their physical self is to diminish their whole.

True politeness manifests not in elaborate apologies or self-conscious avoidance, but in natural, respectful interaction.

Do not make comments about their appearance, positive or negative. Do not offer unsolicited advice. Do not ask prying questions. Simply treat them as an equal, a valued member of your team, and a fellow human being deserving of common courtesy. The most profound compliment you can offer is to treat them with the same consideration and normalcy you would extend to anyone else.

Good manners are not about navigating "unusual" situations with a special rulebook; they are about applying timeless principles of kindness and respect consistently.

Focus on the person, not the perceived difference, and you will find your discomfort dissipates, replaced by genuine, graceful interaction.