Ask Amy: Your husband is hurting

Dear Amy: My in laws told me in a rather unkind way that they did not like me. It’s been a year since this happened, and I see that my husband is sad, that he misses his family, and that he is just so disappointed. Advertisement Truthfully, his folks never liked me, and I could tell, and so a part of me was relieved by this revelation because it meant that I could stop all the phone calls to chat, sending the birthday gifts and cards (I did this because their son did not).

Now I notice that my husband is blue. I think he wants an apology message from his folks. His mom occasionally texts him very passive aggressive messages like, “I know you probably don’t care but …” or, “I think these messages are not making it to my grandchildren because your wife is deleting them…” (I am absolutely not deleting anything or preventing any contact between them).

Advertisement I do not know how to help. I do not want him to carry a grudge on my behalf. I also want my kids to have grandparents. I do not know what to say to my husband. He does see a therapist and is very angry at them for causing a rift, especially since they live 10 hours away and we see them normally once or twice a year (and usually stay at his brother’s or at a hotel).

In any case – what should I say to him? Should I say anything to him? Or is it best if I do and say nothing? – Banished DIL Advertisement Dear Banished: You are revealing what seems like an impressive understanding and insight into this unfortunate dynamic; you describe it very well, and yet you can’t decide whether to talk to your husband about it? He is hurting.

He is in pain. You may not have all of the answers or a surefire solution to an entrenched family dynamic, but you could help to ease your husband’s pain by encouraging him to open up to you. You convey a sense of relief at being let off the hook by these unkind people who have never liked you. You also have a mature insight into your husband’s need – or possible desire – to have his folks in his life to some extent.

Start with, “Honey, I do not want you to carry a grudge on my behalf. If you want to see your folks, you should see them – and if you want to take the children for a visit, I welcome you to do that! How can I help you through this?” You might offer to attend a joint session with his therapist in order to find comfortable ways to communicate about this.

Advertisement Dear Amy: My fiancé “Charles” and I have a wonderful relationship. We’ve been together for eight months and plan to get married in the spring. He has a son, “Brian,” who is 13 years old. Charles and his wife have been divorced for six years and Brian is with his dad every other weekend.

He has his own room and routines while at his dad’s house. The thing is, I don’t like this kid. He is a combination of sullen and entitled, though he and his dad seem to get along well. I tend to avoid them during his weekends. Looking forward to marriage, I’m wondering how to handle the weekends when his son is around? – Wondering Dear Wondering: I wonder if you’ve met many 13 year olds.

I’d say that “entitled and sullen” is within the norm for many kids that age. Advertisement This boy will be in his father’s life for the rest of his life, and not only on every other weekend. You should absolutely not get married until you develop an understanding and at least a friendly relationship with this boy.

You don’t seem to have made much of an effort, here. Stepparenting is an extremely challenging role to undertake; if you can’t accept this boy as a member of your family, then you’re not ready to take this on. You don’t have to always like this boy, but you should be willing to love him, anyway.

Dear Amy: I was gobsmacked by the “Unappreciated Tipper,” who wanted to be thanked for his generous tip. The tip should be quietly left on the table, and you should be long gone before it is discovered. I’d be embarrassed if anyone had made a big deal out of my having good manners. I’m supposed to have good manners.

– Mike in NH Advertisement Dear Mike: Bingo! (You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook .).