A Second Chance with a Self-Indulgent Ex: Worth the Risk?

Dear Abby, I'm writing to you because I'm at a crossroads, reeling from a past that still stings. For 22 long years, I was married to a man who, frankly, only ever thought of himself. He was the king of self-indulgence, always prioritizing his own desires, leaving me and our children to pick up the pieces, often financially.

Our marriage ended six years ago, and honestly, the peace and stability I've found since then have been a revelation.

But now, out of the blue, he's back. He's sending cards, calling, expressing profound regret, and claiming he's a changed man. He says he's finally realized the depth of his mistakes and how much he truly misses me.

He wants to know if there's any chance for us to reconcile, to start over. Abby, my heart is a battlefield. Part of me remembers the pain, the loneliness, the constant feeling of being an afterthought. But another part, a small, hopeful flicker, wonders if people truly can change. Should I even consider giving him a second look, or is this just another act from a master manipulator? — Wary in Washington

Dear Wary in Washington,

Your situation is a classic dilemma that many face when an ex-partner resurfaces, promising a new chapter.

It's completely understandable that you're experiencing a mix of emotions – the sting of past wounds clashing with a glimmer of hope. However, it's crucial to approach this with your eyes wide open, protecting the peace and stability you've worked so hard to build.

First and foremost, remember that actions speak far louder than words.

It's easy for someone to express regret and promise change, especially when they're hoping to win you back. The real test lies in whether his behavior consistently matches his newfound claims. A truly changed person demonstrates that change over time, not just in a flurry of apologies and declarations.

Do not rush into anything.

If you decide to engage with him at all, do so with extreme caution. Suggest starting with casual, public encounters, perhaps over coffee or a meal. During these interactions, observe him closely. Is he truly listening to you? Does he acknowledge the pain he caused without making excuses? Is he genuinely interested in your life now, or does he quickly steer the conversation back to himself and his desires?

Pay close attention to any subtle signs of his old patterns resurfacing.

Is he still self-centered? Does he make promises he doesn't keep? Does he try to manipulate your emotions? A leopard doesn't change its spots overnight, and sometimes, even when they seem to, those old patterns can be deeply ingrained.

Before you even consider anything more serious, he needs to prove his transformation through consistent, selfless actions, not just through sweet talk.

This could involve him demonstrating financial responsibility, showing genuine empathy, and consistently prioritizing your well-being and the children's, without being asked. This is a long-term project, not a quick fix.

You are in a place of peace, something you earned after years of difficulty.

Do not compromise that peace easily. Your well-being and emotional security are paramount. If he truly wants a second chance, he needs to earn your trust back, slowly and deliberately, proving himself through tangible, sustained changes in his character and behavior. Until then, hold firm to the boundaries that protect your peace.

You deserve nothing less.